Wayno's World

Goodbye

2006-02-01T05:55:00.000-08:00

The intent of this blog was to allow me an outlet during a rather difficult period of my life.

In fact, it could be best described as:

"coming out of the clouds, both engines ablaze, nose pointed firmly at the ground."

Times have changed, as they always do, and it's time to move on.

I hope that somewhere, somebody got something from my efforts.

It's been fun.

Keep fighting tte assholes.

Selah

Wayno

Questions You Hope Your Pupils Won't Ask You

2006-01-31T06:30:00.003-08:00

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of its bottle?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

You know how most packages say "Open here"? What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

What do you plant to grow a seedless watermelon?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Quotes

2006-01-31T06:30:00.002-08:00

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

An archaeologist is a person who's career lies in ruins.

An architect is someone who makes beautiful models, but unaffordable realities.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Mark Twain

A chemical engineer is a man who is doing for a profit what an organic chemist only does for fun.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

Laurence J. Peter

An editor is a person employed on a newspaper whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed.

Elbert Hubbard

A journalist is someone who spend 50% of its time not saying what he knows and 50% of its time talking about things he doesn't know.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief".

Franz Kafka

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.

Charles R. Darwin

A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.

A philosopher is a person who doesn't have a job but at least understands why.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

A psychologist is a man whom you pay a lot of money to ask you questions that your wife asks free of charge.

A schoolteacher a is disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A sociologist is someone who, when a beautiful women enters the room and everybody look at her, looks at everybody.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

The Signal Man

2006-01-31T06:30:00.000-08:00

Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways.

He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."

"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.

"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."

"What if that had been struck by lightning?"

"Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well in that case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."

"What if that was vandalised?"

"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"

Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."

Randoms

2006-01-31T06:01:00.000-08:00

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he
gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head
out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Graduates

2006-01-30T06:30:00.001-08:00

A graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

A graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

A graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

A graduate with a Law degree asks, "Who gave it permission to work?"

A graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Would you like fries with that?"

The Evolution of a Math Problem

2006-01-30T06:30:00.000-08:00

1950:

A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100.

His cost of production is 4/5 of this price.

What is his profit?

1960 (traditional math):

A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100.

His cost of production is 4/5 of this price, or in other words $80.

What is his profit?

1970 (new math):

A lumberjack exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money.

The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1.

Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M.

The set C is a subset of set M, of cardinality 80.

What is the cardinality of the set P of profits, if P is the difference set M\C?

1980 (equal opportunity math):

A lumberjack sells a truckload of wood for $100.

His or her cost of production is $80, and his or her profit is $20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

1990 (outcome based education):

By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a lumberperson makes $20.

What do you think of his way of making a living?

In your group, discuss how the forest birds and squirrels feel, and write an essay about it.

1995 (entrepreneurial math):

By laying off 402 of its lumberjacks, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100.

How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80?

Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

1998 (motivational math):

A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half).

It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers.

It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fallable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act.

Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation.

What is the return on investment of the lobbying?

Happy New Year

2006-01-29T17:52:00.000-08:00

GUNG HAY FAT CHOY!

First Date

2006-01-29T06:30:00.000-08:00

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about.

He asks his father for advice.

The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain.

Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.

He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?"

She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list.

He asks, "Do you have a brother?"

Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card.

He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

Alternate Meanings

2006-01-29T06:28:00.000-08:00

Once again, the Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.) olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n) a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) the belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are last year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.

The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

3. Giraffiti (n) Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

4. Sarchasm (n) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

5 . Inoculatte (v) To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

6. Hipatitis (n) Terminal coolness.

7. Osteopornosis (n) A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

8. Karmageddon (n) It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

9.Decafalon (n.) The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

10. Glibido (v) All talk and no action.

11. Dopeler effect (n) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

12. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

13. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

14. Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

15. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

The Drums

2006-01-28T06:56:00.000-08:00

A researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis.

Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for researching the mating behaviour of the giant rat of Sumatra.

Around dusk of the first day, he's sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums.

They get louder.

The guide announces, "I don't like the sound of those drums."

The dusk turns to evening.

The drums get louder.

The guide says, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Evening turns to dead of night.

The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close.

The guide says again, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out, "Hey man, he's not our regular drummer!"

The Oldest Profession

2006-01-28T06:51:00.000-08:00

A physician, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.

The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The consultant leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"

Only In Canada

2006-01-27T06:59:00.000-08:00

Actual Australian Court Docket #12659 (Case Of The Pregnant Lady

2006-01-27T06:47:00.000-08:00

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:

When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,'William's Big Stick Did the Trick', and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'...I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

Another Frog

2006-01-27T06:45:00.000-08:00

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"

"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn'tbeen proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true... no more blowjobs for her!

She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off.

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.

She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're gone!'

Hi-Tech Salespeople Dictionary

2006-01-26T06:39:00.000-08:00

New: Different color from previous design.

All new: Parts not interchangable with previous design.

Unmatched: Almost as good as the competition.

Designed simplicity: Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone.

Foolproof operation: No provision for adjustments.

Advanced design: The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

Field-tested: Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

High accuracy: Unit on which all parts fit.

Direct sales only: Factory had big argument with distributor.

Years of development: We finally got one that works.

Revolutionary: It's different from our competitiors.

Breakthrough: We finally figured out a way to sell it.

Improved: Didn't work the first time.

Futuristic: No other reason why it looks the way it does.

Distinctive: A different shape and color than the others.

Re-designed: Previous faults corrected, we hope.

Hand-crafted: Assembly machines operated without gloves on.

Performance proven: Will operate through the warranty period.

Meets all standards: Ours, not yours.

Broadcast quality: Gives a picture and produces noise.

High reliability: We made it work long enough to ship it.

SMPTE bus compatible: When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound.

New generation: Old design failed, maybe this one will work.

MIL-SPEC components: We got a good deal at a government auction.

Customer service across the country: You can return it from most airports.

Unprecedented performance: Nothing we ever had before worked this way.

Built to precision tolerances: We finally got it to fit together.

Microprocessor controlled: Does things we can't explain.

Latest aerospace technology: One of our techs was laid off by Boeing.

Irish Prostitute

2006-01-26T06:37:00.000-08:00

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her.

"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff dad I became a prostitute."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club (takes a breath) and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

One For The Ladies

2006-01-25T06:06:00.000-08:00

One day my housework challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumour.

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.

On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh!

Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.

Whoosh.

Immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

A PRAYER.

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

A Little Math

2006-01-25T06:04:00.000-08:00

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

then:

H A R D W O R K =

8 + 1 + 18 + 4 + 23 + 15 + 18 + 11 = 98%

and

K N O W L E-D-G-E =

11 + 14 + 15 + 23 + 12 + 4 + 7 + 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E =

1 + 20 + 20 + 9 + 20 + 21 + 4 + 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T =

2 + 21 + 12 + 12 + 19 + 8 + 9 + 20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A S S K I S S I N G =

1 + 19 + 19 + 11 + 9 + 19 + 19 + 9 + 14 + 7 = 127%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and ass kissing that will put you over the top!

Navy Psychiatrist

2006-01-24T06:52:00.000-08:00

The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential sailor.

To check on the young man's response to trouble, the psychiatrist asked, "What would you do if you looked out of that window right now and saw a battleship coming down the street?"

The baby sailor said, "I'd grab a torpedo and sink it."

"Where would you get the torpedo?"

"The same place you got your battleship!"

Employee Evaluations

2006-01-24T06:17:00.000-08:00

For everyone who has ever received or given an evaluation, just remember, it could have been worse.

These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

13. "He's been working with glue too much."

14. "He would argue with a signpost."

15. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

16. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

17. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

18. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

19. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

20. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

21. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

22. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

23. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

24. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

25. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

26. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

27. "One neuron short of a synapse."

28. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

29. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

30. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Experience

2006-01-23T06:20:00.000-08:00

Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Experience is knowledge acquired when it's too late.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Hunting Elephants

2006-01-22T06:42:00.000-08:00

Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.

Experienced mathematicians will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

Computer programmers hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:

1. Go to Africa.

2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.

3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.

4. During each traverse pass,

a. Catch each animal seen.

b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.

c. Stop when a match is detected.

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

Experienced economists never saw an elephant, but they try to hunt one by controlling the interest rates.

Statisticians hunt the first gray animal they see N times and call it an elephant.

Experienced statisticians add that there is a small probability that the animal they hunted is a mouse.

Lawyers can let hunting a single elephant drag out for several years.

Experienced lawyers can make it last even longer.

Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.

Experienced consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

Experienced politicians take the elephant for themselves and blame the press.

Managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

Experienced managers keep in the project file the advice that claims that elephants are just like field mice.

Sales people don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.

Experienced sales people ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.

Computer sales people catch gray animals at random, and sell any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

Experienced computer sales people catch gray rabbits, and sell them as desktop elephants.

Randoms

2006-01-22T06:13:00.000-08:00

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Prohibition

2006-01-21T06:13:00.000-08:00

In the USA, everything that is not prohibited by law is permitted.

In Germany, everything that is not permitted by law is prohibited.

In Russia, everything is prohibited, even if permitted by law.

In France, everything is permitted, even if prohibited by law.

In Switzerland, everything that is not prohibited by law is obligatory.

Painting

2006-01-21T06:11:00.000-08:00

A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive odor of paint.

He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a parka and a leather jacket at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK.

She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

Then he asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said: "FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!!!"

Wonder Woman 2006

2006-01-20T06:23:00.000-08:00

Wizard Of Toad

2006-01-20T06:16:00.000-08:00

There once was a toad that was excluded from all green toad activities because he was a handsome shade of yellow.

So he went to visit a beautiful fairy in the town who had the power to grant wishes.

"Fairy," he said. "I would like to be green, so I can play with all the other toads."

"Granted!" said the fairy, who turned him green.

Unfortunately, his little toady penis was still yellow.

"What about my penis?" he asked the fairy.

"Oh! For that, you'll have to go see the wizard."

And so the toad hopped off to find the wizard.

Soon, a pink elephant visited the fairy, and he wished to be turned gray.

She granted him the wish, but, as with the toad, his penis was still pink.

So she told him to visit the wizard.

"How do I find the wizard?" he asked.

"Just follow the yellow prick toad."

7 Things That An Employee Never Tells His Boss

2006-01-20T06:14:00.000-08:00

1. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.

2. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could get me a promotion.

3. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations.

4. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.

5. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

6. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life.

7. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate.

Three Boys

2006-01-19T06:33:00.000-08:00

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".

The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head.

He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!

Heaven And Hell

2006-01-19T06:31:00.000-08:00

In Heaven:

The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:

The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.

Forbidden Fish

2006-01-19T06:29:00.000-08:00

A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Michigan recently, with two buckets of fish, leaving a lake well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden asked.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"OK. I've GOT to see this!"

The game warden was curious, now.

The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited.

After a several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?" "

Well, What?" the man responded.

"When are you going to call them back?", the game warden prompted.

"Call who back?", the man asked.

"The fish." replied the warden.

"What fish?" the man asked.

Women Rock

2006-01-18T06:21:00.000-08:00

What do women and rocks have in common?

You skip the flat ones.

Nickname

2006-01-18T06:20:00.000-08:00

Three couples went to a restaurant.

The women wanted to compliment the men with something that was on the table.

"Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" said the first gal.

"Could you pass me the honey, honey?" said the second.

"Could you pass me the bacon, pig?" said the third.

Race Winners

2006-01-18T06:19:00.000-08:00

A few race horses are in a stable.

One of them starts to boast about his track record.

"In the last 16 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 20!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 37 races, I've won 29!" says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening.

"I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 91 races, I've won 89 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed.

"Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence, "A talking dog!."

New Sales Assistant

2006-01-17T06:58:00.000-08:00

A new sales assistant was hired at a large department store.

On his first day, the sales manager took him around to show him the ropes.

They were passing by the gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed.

The sales manager stepped in.

Sales manager: "Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn?"

Customer : "I guess so. I'll take one."

Sales manager: "And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer?"

Customer : "Um, okay."

Sales manager: "Here's a couple of bags. You'll also need a lawn mower to cut the grass when it starts growing too long."

Customer : "I'll take one of those too."

After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant.

"You see?" he said, "that's the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than what the customer originally came in for."

Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where he was to work.

Soon, a man strolled in.

Man: "I'd like to buy a pack of Tampax, please."

Sales assistant: "Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower too?"

Man: "Why would I want to do that?"

Sales assistant: "Well, your weekend's shot to hell anyway, so you might as well mow the lawn."

Applicant/Employer Speak

2006-01-17T06:56:00.000-08:00

Applicant Speak: what they say and what they mean by it

I know how to deal with stressful situations:
I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication & organizational skills:
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization:
I've used Microsoft Office.

My pertinent work experience includes:
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I take pride in my work:
I blame others for my mistakes.

I'm balanced and centered:
I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunchroom.

I have a sense of humor:
I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

I'm willing to relocate:
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

I'm extremely professional:
I carry a Day-Timer.

My background and skills match your requirements:
You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

I am adaptable:
I've changed jobs a lot.

I am on the go:
I'm never at my desk.

I'm highly motivated to succeed:
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

I have formal training:
I'm a college dropout.

I interact well with co-workers:
I've been accused of sexual harassment.

Thank you for your time and consideration:
Wait! Don't throw me away!

Employer Speak: what they say and what they mean by it

Entry level position:
You'll be making minimum wage.

Entry level position in an up-and-coming company:
You'll be making minimum wage; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

Profit sharing plan:
Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.

Competitive salary:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

Join our fast-paced company:
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

Nationally recognized leader:
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.

Immediate opening:
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

Casual work atmosphere:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up, although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

Competitive environment:
We have a lot of turnover.

Must be deadline oriented:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

Some overtime required:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

Flexible hours:
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

Must have an eye for detail:
We have no quality control.

College degree preferred:
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like Philosophy, English or Social Work.

Career minded:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

Apply in person:
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

No phone calls please:
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

Problem solving skills a must:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

Requires team leadership skills:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

Laws Of Philosophy

2006-01-17T06:55:00.000-08:00

The First Law of Philosophy

For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.

The Second Law of Philosophy

They're both wrong.

Who Is Listening?

2006-01-16T06:04:00.000-08:00

During the first year of marriage, the husband speaks and the wife hears.

During the second year, the wife speaks and the husband hears.

During the third year both of them speak, but only the neighbours hear.

Redneck Home Security System

2006-01-16T06:03:00.000-08:00

Wireless home security systems aren't just for rich folk. Here's how rednecks do it:

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots. A really big pair.

2. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of American Rifleman magazine.

3. Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dish.

4. Leave a note on your front door that says: "Bubba, big Mike and me have gone to get more ammunition. Back in a half hour. Oh, and don't disturb the Pit Bulls -- they's just been wormed."

5. Pop a cold one and relax.

American Engineering

2006-01-16T06:02:00.000-08:00

Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer -- are working together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you one wish" says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

Pooooof!

With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."

Pooooof!

Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The American engineer asks, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out -- it s virtually impenetrable."

The American engineer says, "Fill it with water."

Best Country Song Titles

2006-01-15T06:34:00.000-08:00

It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long

If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well

I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here

If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure

She's Looking Better After Every Beer

And...

I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few

Sneaking Out Early

2006-01-15T06:33:00.000-08:00

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does.

The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss!

Unsure what to do, she quietly sneaks out of the house, drives around until her normal quitting time, and returns home without saying anything.

The next day at work, the gals get together.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"I met a great guy!" says the redhead.

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

The Dating Ritual

2006-01-15T06:31:00.000-08:00

Bob came home from his first date with a gal, and had quite the black eye.

"What the heck happened to you?!" said his room mate, Mike.

"Hey pal, I was just following your advice!" Bob yelled.

"What?" Mike said. "Let me think. When did I give you this advice?"

Bob rolled his eyes: "Just before I left, dummy."

Mike thinks back. "You mean, 'kiss her when she leasts expects it'?"

"Oh hell," Bob says with a sigh as he put an ice pack on his shiner. "I thought you said where!"

Committee Rules

2006-01-14T06:26:00.000-08:00

Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.

Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.

Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.

When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.

Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular - it's what everyone is waiting for.

Drinking Nun

2006-01-14T06:25:00.000-08:00

This nun walked into a liquor store.

She walked up to the cashier and said, "Could you give me a bottle of whiskey?"

The man replied, "Sister, I can't, I really . . ."

"Please, I need it," the Nun interrupted.

"But Sister, I just..."

The Cashier was again interrupted.

"Really, It's all right. It's for medical purposes."

"Medical purposes?" the Cashier asked.

"Yes."

"Oh... Well, I guess so. Here, take it for free, I just couldn't charge any money."

The Cashier handed her a bottle of whiskey.

She walked off with the bottle.

About four hours later, the cashier was locking up.

And lo-behold, as he was walking to his car, there the nun was, on the other side of the street, weaving and swerving from side to side, singing a song.

The cashier called out to her, "Sister, you told me it was for medical purposes!"

The nun replied, "It is. You see, the Mother Superior is constipated, and when she sees me like this, she's gonna shit!"

My New SUV

2006-01-14T06:24:00.000-08:00

I picked up my new 2006 GMC Yukon Denali late last week and had to return it to the dealer the following day because I couldn't figure out how to work the radio.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Watch this!" he said.

"Nelson!"

The radio replied "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued and immediately "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.

I drove away happy and, for the next few days, every time I'd say "Beethoven" I'd get beautiful classical music.

If I said "Beatles", I'd get one of their classics.

Today, a couple ran a red light and nearly smashed into my new Denali.

I swerved in time to avoid them.

"ASSHOLES!" I yelled.

Immediately, the French National Anthem started to play, sung by Paul Martin, backed up by Belinda Stronach, with Jean Chretien on guitar, Ann MacLellan on drums and Adrian Clarkson playing the keyboard.

The anthem was immediately followed by their version of "Take The Money and Run"!

Don't forget to vote!

Beware Of The Friday 13th Virus

2006-01-13T06:18:00.000-08:00

It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty.

It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number.

It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank.

It will drink all your beer and leave dirty socks on the coffee table when company comes over.

It will put a dead aardvark in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.

Friday 13th Virus will make you fall in love with a penguin.

It will give you nightmares about circus midgets.

It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.

It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it.

It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice!

It is insidious and subtle.

It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

Friday 13th Virus will give you Dutch Elm disease.

It will leave the toilet seat up.

It will leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase grade schoolers with your new snowblower.

Friday 13th Virus will cause your cakes to fall and your blood pressure to rise.

It will increase the ability of your radio to pick up reactionary talk stations at the expense of others.

It prevents scurvy, but it gives you mega garlic breath as it does so, which makes the net results negative.

It cheats at Scrabble.

It can forge your signature.

It plays the bagpipes in your basement.

It shaves over your bathroom sink and then leaves the hair to clog your drain.

It does bad celebrity impersonations in front of your friends.

100 Things The British Didn't Know This Time Last Year

2006-01-13T06:17:00.000-08:00

Each week the BBC’s ‘Magazine’ picks out snippets from the news, and compiles them into ‘10 Things We Didn't Know This Time Last Week’. Here's an end of year almanac.

1. The UK's first mobile phone call was made 20 years ago this year, when Ernie Wise rang the Vodafone head office, which was then above a curry shop in Newbury.

2. Mohammed is now one of the 20 most popular names for boys born in England and Wales.

3. While it's an offence to drop litter on the pavement, it's not an offence to throw it into your neighbour’s yard.

4. An average record shop needs to sell at least two copies of a CD per year to make it worth stocking, according to Wired magazine.

5. Nicole Kidman is scared of butterflies. "I jump out of planes, I could be covered in cockroaches, I do all sorts of things, but I just don't like the feel of butterflies' bodies," she says.

6. WD-40 dissolves cocaine - it has been used by a pub landlord to prevent drug-taking in his pub's toilets.

7. Baboons can tell the difference between English and French. Zoo keepers at Port Lympne wild animal park in Kent are having to learn French to communicate with the baboons which had been transferred from Paris zoo.

8. Devout Orthodox Jews are three times as likely to jaywalk as other people, according to an Israeli survey reported in the New Scientist. The researchers say it's possibly because religious people have less fear of death.

9. The energy used to build an average Victorian terrace house would be enough to send a car round the Earth five times, says English Heritage.

10. Humans can be born suffering from a rare condition known as "sirenomelia" or "mermaid syndrome", in which the legs are fused together to resemble the tail of a fish.

11. One in 10 Europeans is allegedly conceived in an Ikea bed.

12. Until the 1940s rhubarb was considered a vegetable. It became a fruit when US customs officials, baffled by the foreign food, decided it should be classified according to the way it was eaten.

13. Prince Charles broke with an 80-year tradition by giving Camilla Parker Bowles a wedding ring fashioned from Cornish gold, instead of the nugget of Welsh gold that has provided rings for all royal brides and grooms since 1923.

14. It's possible for a human to blow up balloons via the ear. A 55-year-old factory worker from China reportedly discovered 20 years ago that air leaked from his ears, and he can now inflate balloons and blow out candles.

15. Lionesses like their males to be deep brunettes.

16. The London borough of Westminster has an average of 20 pieces of chewing gum for every square metre of pavement.

17. Bosses at Madame Tussauds spent £10,000 separating the models of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston when they separated. It was the first time the museum had two people's waxworks joined together.

18. If all the Smarties eaten in one year were laid end to end it would equal almost 63,380 miles, more than two-and-a-half times around the Earth's equator.

19. The = sign was invented by 16th Century Welsh mathematician Robert Recorde, who was fed up with writing "is equal to" in his equations. He chose the two lines because "noe 2 thynges can be moare equalle".

20. The Queen has never been on a computer, she told Bill Gates as she awarded him an honorary knighthood.

21. One person in four has had their identity stolen or knows someone who has.

22. The length of a man's fingers can reveal how physically aggressive he is, scientists say.

23. In America it's possible to subpoena a dog.

24. The 71m packets of biscuits sold annually by United Biscuits, owner of McVitie's, generate 127.8 tonnes of crumbs.

25. Nelson probably had a broad Norfolk accent.

26. One in four people does not know 192, the old number for directory inquiries in the UK, has been abolished.

27. Only in France and California are under 18s banned from using sunbeds.

28. The British buy the most compact discs in the world - an average of 3.2 per year, compared to 2.8 in the US and 2.1 in France.

29. When faced with danger, the octopus can wrap six of its legs around its head to disguise itself as a fallen coconut shell and escape by walking backwards on the other two legs, scientists discovered.

30. There are an estimated 1,000 people in the UK in a persistent vegetative state.

31. Train passengers in the UK waited a total of 11.5m minutes in 2004 for delayed services.

32. "Restaurant" is the most mis-spelled word in search engines.

33. Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho has only been in an English pub once, to buy his wife cigarettes.

34. The Little Britain wheelchair sketch with Lou and Andy was inspired by Lou Reed and Andy Warhol.

35. The name Lego came from two Danish words "leg godt", meaning "play well". It also means "I put together" in Latin.

36. The average employee spends 14 working days a year on personal e-mails, phone calls and web browsing, outside official breaks, according to employment analysts Captor.

37. Cyclist Lance Armstrong's heart is almost a third larger than the average man's.

38. NASA boss Michael Griffin has seven university degrees: a bachelor's degree, a PhD, and five masters degrees.

39. Australians host barbecues at polling stations on general election days.

40. An average Briton will spend £1,537,380 during his or her lifetime, a survey from insurer Prudential suggests.

41. Tactically, the best Monopoly properties to buy are the orange ones: Vine Street, Marlborough Street and Bow Street.

42. Britain's smallest church, near Malmesbury, Wiltshire, opens just once a year. It measures 4m by 3.6m and has one pew.

43. The spiciness of sauces is measured in Scoville Units.

44. Rubber gloves could save you from lightning.

45. C3PO and R2D2 do not speak to each other off-camera because the actors don't get on.

46. Driving at 159mph - reached by the police driver cleared of speeding - it would take nearly a third of a mile to stop.

47. Liverpool has 42 cranes redeveloping the city centre.

48. A quarter of the world's clematis come from one Guernsey nursery, where production will top 4.5m plants this year alone.

49. Tim Henman has a tennis court at his new home in Oxfordshire which he has never used.

50. Only 36% of the world's newspapers are tabloid.

51. Parking wardens walk about 15 miles a day.

52. You're 10 times more likely to be bitten by a human than a rat.

53. It takes 75kg of raw materials to make a mobile phone.

54. Deep Throat is reportedly the most profitable film ever. It was made for $25,000 (£13,700) and has grossed more than $600m.

55. Antony Worrall-Thompson swam the English Channel in his youth.

56. The Pyruvate Scale measures pungency in onions and garlic. It's named after the acid in onions which makes cooks cry when cutting them.

57. The man who was the voice of one of the original Daleks, Roy Skelton, also did the voices for George and Zippy in Rainbow.

58. The average guest at a Buckingham Palace garden party scoffs 14 cakes, sandwiches, scones and ice-cream, according to royal accounts.

59. Oliver Twist is very popular in China, where its title is translated as Foggy City Orphan.

60. Newborn dolphins and killer whales don't sleep for a month, according to research carried out by University of California.

61. You can bet on your own death.

62. MPs use communal hairbrushes in the washrooms of the Houses of Parliament.

63. It takes less energy to import a tomato from Spain than to grow them in this country because of the artificial heat needed, according to Defra.

64. New York mayor Michael Bloomberg's home number is listed by directory inquiries.

65. Actor James Doohan, who played Scotty, had a hand in creating the Klingon language that was used in the movies, and which Shakespeare plays were subsequently translated into.

66. The hotter it is, the more difficult it is for aeroplanes to take off. Air passengers in Nevada, where temperatures have reached 120F, have been told they can't fly.

67. Giant squid eat each other - especially during sex.

68. The Very Hungry Caterpillar has sold one copy every minute since its 1969 publication.

69. First-born children are less creative but more stable, while last-born are more promiscuous, says US research.

70. Reebok, which is being bought by Adidas, traces its history back more than 100 years to Bolton.

71. Jimi Hendrix pretended to be gay to be discharged from the US Army.

72. A towel doesn't legally reserve a sun lounger - and there is nothing in German or Spanish law to stop other holidaymakers removing those left on vacant seats.

73. One in six children think that broccoli is a baby tree.

74. It takes a gallon of oil to make three fake fur coats.

75. Each successive monarch faces in a different direction on British coins.

76. The day when most suicides occurred in the UK between 1993 and 2002 was 1 January, 2000.

77. The only day in that time when no-one killed themselves was 16 March, 2001, the day Comic Relief viewers saw Jack Dee win Celebrity Big Brother.

78. One in 18 people has a third nipple.

79. The section of coast around Cleethorpes has the highest concentration of caravans in Europe.

80. Fifty-seven Bic Biros are sold every second - amounting to 100bn since 1950.

81. George Bernard Shaw named his shed after the UK capital so that when visitors called they could be told he was away in London.

82. Former Labour MP Oona King's aunt is agony aunt Miriam Stoppard.

83. Britain produces 700 regional cheeses, more even than France.

84. The actor who plays Mike Tucker in BBC Radio 4's The Archers is the father of the actor who plays Will Grundy.

85. Japanese knotweed can grow from a piece of root the size of pea. And it can flourish anew if disturbed after lying dormant for more than 20 years.

86. Hecklers are so-called because of militant textile workers in Dundee.

87. Pulling your foot out of quicksand takes a force equivalent to that needed to lift a medium-sized car.

88. A single "mother" spud from southern Peru gave rise to all the varieties of potato eaten today, scientists have learned.

89. Spanish Flu, the epidemic that killed 50 million people in 1918/9, was known as French Flu in Spain.

90. Ordinary - not avian - flu kills about 12,000 people in the UK every winter.

91. Croydon has more CCTV cameras than New York.

92. You are 176 times more likely to be murdered than to win the National Lottery.

93. Koalas have fingerprints exactly like humans (although obviously smaller).

94. Bill Gates does not have an iPod.

95. The first traffic cones were used in building Preston bypass in the late 1950s, replacing red lantern paraffin burners.

96. Britons buy about one million pumpkins for Halloween, 99% of which are used for lanterns rather than for eating.

97. The mother of stocky cricketer - and this year's Strictly Come Dancing champion - Darren Gough was a ballet dancer. She helped him with his pivots.

98. Nettles growing on land where bodies are buried will reach a foot higher than those growing elsewhere.

99. The Japanese word "chokuegambo" describes the wish that there were more designer-brand shops on a given street.

100. Musical instrument shops must pay an annual royalty to cover shoppers who perform a recognisable riff before they buy, thereby making a "public performance".

Marriage's Advantage

2006-01-13T06:13:00.000-08:00

Marriage means that someone helps you cope with all the problems you never had when you were a bachelor.

His & Hers Political Correctness

2006-01-13T06:12:00.000-08:00

His

1. She is not a BABE or CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.

2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

3. She is not BLONDE - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

Hers

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID STORAGE FACILITY.

2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

3. He does not GET LOST - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He is GENERATIONALLY DEFERENTIAL.

Abbott & Costello On Computers

2006-01-12T06:47:00.000-08:00

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:

Abbott: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

Costello: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

Abbott: Mac?

Costello: No, the name's Lou.

Abbott: Your computer?

Costello: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

Abbott: Mac?

Costello: I told you, my name's Lou.

Abbott: What about Windows?

Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

Abbott: Do you want a computer with Windows?

Costello: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

Abbott: Wallpaper.

Costello: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

Abbott: Software for Windows?

Costello: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

Abbott: Office.

Costello: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

Abbott: I just did.

Costello: You just did what?

Abbott: Recommend something.

Costello: You recommended something?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: For my office?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

Abbott: Office.

Costello: Yes, for my office!

Abbott: I recommend Office with Windows.

Costello: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

Abbott: Word.

Costello: What word?

Abbott: Word in Office.

Costello: The only word in office is office.

Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows.

Costello: Which word in office for windows?

Abbott: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

Costello: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some straight answers! OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

Abbott: Yes, you want Real One.

Costello: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

Abbott: Real One.

Costello: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

Abbott: Of course.

Costello: Great! With what?

Abbott: Real One.

Costello: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

Abbott: You click the blue "1".

Costello: I click the blue one what?

Abbott: The blue "1".

Costello: Is that different from the blue "W"?

Abbott: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

Costello: What word?

Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows.

Costello: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

Abbott: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

Costello: It is?

Abbott: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

Costello: And that word is real one?

Abbott: Real One has nothing to do with Word.
Real One isn't even part of Office.

Costello: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

Abbott: Money.

Costello: That's right. What do you have?

Abbott: Money.

Costello: I need money to track my money?

Abbott: It comes bundled with your computer.

Costello: What's bundled with my computer?

Abbott: Money.

Costello: Money comes with my computer?

Abbott: Yes. No extra charge.

Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

Abbott: One copy.

Costello: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

Abbott: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

Costello: They can give you a license to copy money?

Abbott: Why not? They own it!

[A few days later]

Abbott: Super Duper computer store. May I help you?

Costello: How do I turn my computer off?

Abbott: Click on "Start".....

Movie Producers

2006-01-12T06:16:00.000-08:00

A movie producer is lying by the pool at the Beverly Hilton.

His partner arrives in a great state of excitement.

"How'd the meeting go?" asks the first guy.

"It went great," says his buddy. "Tarentino will write and direct for six million, Mel Gibson will star for eight, and we can bring in the whole picture for under fifty million."

"Fabulous," says the guy by the pool.

"There's just one catch," his partner warns.

"What's the catch?"

"We have to put up ten thousand in cash"

Beer Festival

2006-01-12T06:01:00.000-08:00

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."

The bartender gives him one.

Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."

He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"

The Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

The Farmer And The Watermelon

2006-01-11T06:57:00.000-08:00

There was a farmer who raised watermelons.

He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons.

After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.

So he made up the sign and posted it in the field.

The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says "Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made.

The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his.

He drives up to the sign which reads: "Now there are two".

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear From A Consultant

2006-01-11T06:56:00.000-08:00

You're right; we're billing way too much for this.

Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added".

How about paying us based on the success of the project?

This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.

Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.

I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.

Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.

I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.

The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.

Everything looks okay to me. You really don't need me.

As You Slide Down The Banister Of Life, Remember…

2006-01-11T06:55:00.000-08:00

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13 Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

REMEMBER, GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.

GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL

13 Sparrows

2006-01-10T06:54:00.000-08:00

Three little old ladies were sitting on the porch of the retirement home, drinking sherry, playing cards, and bragging about their sons.

"My son," said the first, "is a lawyer. He makes $250,000 a year."

"My, son," said the second, "is a doctor. He makes $500,000 a year."

"My son," said the third, "doesn't make much money. But his penis is so large, than when he has an erection, 13 sparrows could stand side by side on his cock."

The other two ladies blushed and that ended the son talk for a while.

As more cards were played and more sherry consumed, the first old lady started feeling guilty.

"Girls," she said, "my son isn't really a lawyer. He's been a starving actor in New York for 12 years."

"I wish my son was a doctor," said the second. "He doesn't prescribe drugs, he sells them."

"Well," said the third, "as long as we're being honest. You know how I said 13 sparrows could stand side by side on my son's erect penis?"

The other ladies nodded their heads as the third lady put her head in her hands in shame.

"The thirteenth sparrow would have to stand on one foot."

Surrey Scam

2006-01-10T06:52:00.000-08:00

Two good looking 18 year old women come to you as you are sitting at a stoplight.

One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, the other comes to your window saying 'hi' while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say no and beg you for a ride to the Guildford Mall.

You agree and tell them to sit in the back.

On the way they start having sex in the back seat.

Then one of them performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, but couldn't find them Saturday.

Role Reversal

2006-01-10T06:50:00.000-08:00

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.

Amen.”

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes,

Fed them breakfast, packed their lunches,

Drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners

And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping,

Then drove home to put away the groceries,

Paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework,

Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said,

“Lord,I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied,

"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.

You'll just have to wait nine months, though.

You got pregnant last night."

Drunk Test

2006-01-09T06:23:00.000-08:00

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk:

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk;

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk:

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

New Job Interview Technique

2006-01-09T06:16:00.000-08:00

Take the prospective employee and put him in a room with only a table and two chairs.

Leave him alone for two hours, without any instruction.

At the end of that time, go back and see what he is doing.

If he has taken the table apart, put him in Engineering.

If he is counting the butts in the ashtray, assign him to Finance.

If he is waving his arms and talking out loud, send him to Consulting.

If he is talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for him.

If he is sleeping, he is Management material.

If he is writing up the experience, send him to the Technical Documentation team.

If he doesn't even look up when you enter the room, assign him to Security.

If he tries to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, put him into Marketing.

If he is wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Software is his niche.

If he mentions what a good price we got for the table and chairs, send him to Purchasing.

If he mentions that hardwood furniture does not come from rainforests, Public Relations will suit him well.

The Last Word

2006-01-09T06:15:00.000-08:00

A man to his friend:

"At my house I always say the last word".

His friend: "What is the word?"

The man: "I am sorry. Forgive me"

Animal Rights

2006-01-08T06:02:00.000-08:00

There was a farmer who had a herd of pigs.

One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?"

"Well, I give them acorns, corn, and things like that. Why?"

"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes."

Then he fined the farmer.

Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question.

The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"

"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat."

And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question.

The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes:

"Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."

Why You Never Question A Drunk

2006-01-08T06:00:00.000-08:00

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly.”

Today’s Barbie

2006-01-08T05:55:00.000-08:00

A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift.

So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie.

Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbie's are.

The girl responds: "Which one? We have:

Gymnasium Barbie: $19.95

Volleyball Barbie: $19.95

Shopping Barbie: $19.95

Surfer Barbie: $19.95

Disco Barbie: $19.95

and

Divorced Barbie: $299.95

Shocked, the man asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie $299.95 when all the other Barbie's are $19.95?"

Exasperated, the girl responds: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with:

Ken's Car

Ken's House

Ken's Boat

Ken's furniture

Ken's jewelry

Ken's money

Ken's computer,

and

Ken's best friend."

The Stammerer

2006-01-07T06:51:00.000-08:00

Stammerer: "I hea ... hea ... heard tha... that you can hel ... hel ... help me".

Speech therapist: "Yes, sure. Ease yourself in the chair, look straight in my eyes, and count slowly till ten".

Stammerer: "O ... one, t ... two, th ... th ... three, ..... eight, nine, ten. It's wonderful, I don't stammer anymore!"

Speech therapist: "My fee is 300 dollars."

Stammerer: "H ... h ... how mu ... mu ... much?!"

Fire Safety

2006-01-07T06:50:00.000-08:00

A man calls the fire department and says:

"Yes, I have just had my front yard landscaped, I have a nice new flower bed, a new fish pond with a fountain and a new rose garden."

"Very nice," the firefighter says, "but what does that have to do with the fire service?"

"Well," the man answers, "the house next door is on fire and I don't want you to trample my front yard."

A 'Dumb' Farmer

2006-01-07T06:49:00.000-08:00

A farmer gets sent to jail, and his wife is trying to hold the farm together until her husband can get out.

She's not, however, very good at farm work, so she writes a letter to him in jail:

"Dear sweetheart, I want to plant the potatoes. When is the best time to do it?"

The farmer writes back: "Honey, don't go near that field. That's where all my guns are buried."

But, because he is in jail all of the farmer's mail is censored.

So when the sheriff and his deputies read this, they all run out to the farm and dig up the entire potato field looking for guns.

After two full days of digging, they don't find one single weapon.

The farmer then writes to his wife: "Honey, now is when you should plant the potatoes."

Cow Economy

2006-01-06T06:50:00.000-08:00

TRADITIONAL CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother in law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public buys your bull.

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowikimon and market them worldwide.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows...
both are mad.

NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows...
and the one on the left is kinda cute.

Did You Know Ron?

2006-01-06T06:49:00.000-08:00

Retirement:

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.

When you notice this, try not to yell at them.

Some are over sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over sensitive woman.

My name is Ron.

Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie.

When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.

I don't yell at her.

Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable.

I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating.

But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves.

I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.

For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.

But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.

I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.

That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).

I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.

She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.

I try not to make a scene.

I'm a fair man.

I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.

And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie.

I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.

Many men will find it difficult.

Some will find it impossible!

Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth tohelp each other.

Signed,

Ron

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly on October 3rd. He was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II rammed up his ass, with only 2 inches of grip showing.

His wife Julie was arrested, but the all woman Grand Jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.

New Rules

2006-01-05T06:16:00.000-08:00

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you’re gay. If you’re a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you’re a grown man, they’re pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.

New Rule: There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket; water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop fucking with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge asshole.

New Rule: I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don’t have time for that. I’ve just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They’re already doing that. It’s called “The Howard Stern Show.”

New Rule: I don’t need a bigger mega M&M. If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms, I’ll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can’t even tell if he’s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know in months. “27 Months.” “He’s two,” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t care in the first place.

'Forwards'

2006-01-05T06:12:00.000-08:00

As another year will shortly be a memory, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months.

Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times to get to the message.

Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi, or Dr Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists who won't put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by UPS, or FedEx, since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC, because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul, because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EDT) tomorrow afternoon.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of mine's next door neighbor's ex mother in law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Have a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!

You’re Wrong

2006-01-05T06:03:00.000-08:00

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend: “I’m sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”

The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class.”

Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached the old man and one of the students said to him: “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”

The old man said: “I’ll tell you, but first you’ll tell me what you think.”

One of the students said: “I think it’s Petry Syndrome.”

The old man said: “You thought, but you’re wrong.”

Then the other student said: “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”

The old man said: “You thought, but you’re wrong.”

So they asked him: “Well, what do you have?”

And the old man said: “I thought It was a fart, but I was wrong.”

An Important Announcement

2006-01-04T06:08:00.000-08:00

Police warn all clubbers, partygoers, and unsuspecting bar regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere.

It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."

"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "beer," men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please!

Forward this warning to every male you know.

However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

The Tattoo

2006-01-04T06:07:00.000-08:00

Did you hear about the guy with a map of Canada tattooed on his ass?

Every time he sits down, Quebec separates.

Train Travel

2006-01-04T06:06:00.000-08:00

Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps, are a French guy, an American guy, an old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Frenchman has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The Frenchman must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde thinks: That Frenchman must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Frenchman thinks: The American must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The American thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that Frenchman again.

The Cynic's Guide To Life

2006-01-03T06:15:00.000-08:00

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a squeaking fan belt and a leaky tire.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows.
And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...

Follow your dream.
Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone.
Just take another road.
That's why the highway department made so many of them.

If a motorists cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothings gets the message across like a good mooning.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.
It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

It's always darkest before the dawn.
So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bon bon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the 'thing in the tinfoil in the back of the fridge' group.

Just remember...
You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car.

When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket.
That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

Love is like a roller coaster.
If you like it, you don't want to get off, and when you don't... you can't wait to throw up.

George And The Burglars

2006-01-03T06:13:00.000-08:00

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no".

Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence.

Of course, the police caught the burglars red handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

God Bless The Newfie

2006-01-03T06:06:00.000-08:00

A Newfie calls up his lawyer and asks. "Wid all them there lawsuits going on I'm feeling kinda left out. How do I get in on some of that action? I hear that people are suing the cigarette companies 'cause they got cancer, and others are suing the Big Mac company cause they got themselves fat."

His lawyer asks, "And which one of those categories do you fit under?

The dear ole Newfie, God bless his soul answers, "Neider bye, I just wanna know if I can sue Labatt's for all the ugly women I've slept with."

Where Would You Be If?

2006-01-02T06:29:00.000-08:00

YOU HAVE ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES

YOU HAVE NO WORRIES

YOU COME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU

YOUR BATHWATER HAS BEEN RUN

YOU HAVE THE PERFECT KIDS

YOUR PARTNER IS AWAITING YOU WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES

SO WHERE WOULD YOU BE?

IN THE WRONG FUCKING HOUSE!!!

The Top 20 Cool Things About A Car That Goes Faster Than The Speed Of Light

2006-01-02T06:26:00.000-08:00

20. Sleep 'til noon. Still get to work by 8:00 a.m.!

19. Doppler shift makes red traffic lights look green.

18. Breaking laws of physics only a misdemeanor in most states.

17. Never in car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.

16. Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking keep bugging you to carpool.

15. No one can see you pick your nose while you drive.

14. Lunch breaks in Paris, circa 1792.

13. L.A. to Vegas in 2 nanoseconds.

12. You can stop worrying about being sucked into a black hole while driving home from work.

11. You'll be so thin while driving it you can even wear horizontal stripes.

10. That deer in your headlights is actually behind you.

9. Traffic enforcement limited to cops with PhDs in quantum physics.

8. Bugs never see you comin'.

7. You can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen.

6. Can make a fortune delivering pizza with the slogan, "It's there before you order or it's free!"

5. Car makes it from Hollywood to London fast enough to not arouse suspicions of Elizabeth Hurley.

4. License plate: "Me=mc^2"

3. Cigarette butts don't land in the back seat, they land in last week!

2. The more you drive, the younger you get.

1. Chicks dig it.

The Road To Enlightenment (revised)

2006-01-02T06:23:00.000-08:00

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact just fuck off and leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can' t be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

How Men Interpret Language

2006-01-01T06:30:00.000-08:00

It's really very simple, once you get the hang of it. A few examples:

1. "I'm going fishing."
Translated: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and sit in a boat with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.

2. "It's a guy thing."
Translated: There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

3. "Can I help with dinner?"
Translated: Why isn't it already on the table?

4. "Uh huh, sure honey." or, "Yes, dear."
Translated: (Means absolutely nothing -- it's a conditioned response.)

5. "It would take too long to explain."
Translated: I haven't the foggiest.

6. "I was listening to you. It's just ... I have lots of things on my mind."
Translated: Huh? I wasn't listening.

7. "Take a break honey, you're working too hard."
Translated: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

8. "That's interesting, dear."
Translated: Oh, are you still talking?

9. "You know how bad my memory is."
Translated: I remember the theme song to "F-Troop," the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the license plate numbers of every car I've had. But I have no idea when your birthday is.

10. "I dunno ... I was just thinking about you, and when I saw these roses I just thought you'd like them."
Translated: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.

11. "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Translated: I've severed a limb, but I'll bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.

12. "I've got my reasons for what I'm doing".
Translated: ...and I sure hope I think of some soon.

13. "I can't find it."
Translated: It didn't fall into my out-stretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.

14. "What did I do this time?"
Translated: What did you catch me at?

15. "I heard you."
Translated: I have no idea what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't find that out.

16. "You know I could never love anyone else."
Translated: I am used to the way you yell at me, and I realize it could be worse.

17. "You look terrific."
Translated: Oh God, please don't try on any more clothes!

18. "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Translated: No human will ever see us alive again.

Presenting The Top Morons Of The Year

2006-01-01T06:25:00.000-08:00

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from own his bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked at the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!! In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power was applied.After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE ...

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

The Romantic Sailor

2006-01-01T06:24:00.000-08:00

A beautiful young blonde woman was so depressed over her failed Broadway acting career that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor.

"Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe."

"I see," the captain says.

"Plus," she adds, "he’s screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

2006 Horoscopes

2006-01-01T00:03:00.000-08:00

ARIES

You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don't give a fuck about anyone. Most people hate you but you couldn't care less. You're the type of person who would masturbate at a wedding.

TAURUS

Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you're bisexual. You hardly ever wear underwear and you constantly smell of piss.

GEMINI

Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply, you're a neurotic schizophrenic. A real fucking weirdo, the type of person who'd kill them self to win a bet.

CANCER

You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. You're an unscrupulous bastard who would sell relative's limbs to buy a mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered.

LEO

The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, stupid. You have the IQ of a garden snail and will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on welfare.

VIRGO

You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them. But you're prone to bullshitting and you're a cheap bastard. Virgo men are usually queers and the majority of Virgo women are whores.

LIBRA

You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you an asshole. For your entire life people will make a complete prick out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral.

SCORPIO

You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However these are your only good traits. You screw small animals and love picking your nose. You should become a stunt performer with no helmet.

SAGITTARIUS

You are the romantic mushy type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to import Dutch pornography and sex toys. Men are even willing to rent 'Sleepless In Seattle' to increase your odds for a romp in the sack.

CAPRICORN

You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. A mean a self-centered cunt and a closet homosexual. Your best friend is probably an altar boy.

AQUARIUS

You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are an absolute pervert, at the least a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights.

PISCES

You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You have no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. You're a prick.

A Recipe For A Happy New Year

2006-01-01T00:01:00.000-08:00

Clean them thoroughly of all bitterness , hate, and jealousy.

Make them just as fresh and clean as possible.

Now cut each month into twenty-eight, thirty, or thirty-one different parts, but don't make up the whole batch at once.

Prepare it one day at a time out of these ingredients.

Mix well into each day one part of faith, one part of patience, one part of courage, and one part of work.

Add to each day one part of hope, faithfulness, generosity, and kindness.

Blend with one part prayer, one part meditation, and one good deed.

Season the whole with a dash of good spirits, a sprinkle of fun, a pinch of play, and a cup full of good humor.

Pour all of this into a vessel of love.

Cook thoroughly over radiant joy, garnish with a smile, and serve with quietness, unselfishness, and cheerfulness.

You're bound to have a happy new year.

Baby 2006 Has Arrived

2006-01-01T00:00:00.000-08:00

Things I’ve Learned This Year

2005-12-31T23:59:00.000-08:00

If a woman asks you how many sexual partners you’ve had, the only answer is twelve.

A child’s laughter is the greatest sound in the world.
A child’s laughter in a cornfield is the creepiest sound in the world.

A minivan is the first indication that someone has given up.

Some people will volunteer for just about any job, no matter how crappy.
Try to sit next to these people in meetings.

There’s no shame in a Honda.

Using a customer service rep’s first name greatly increases the odds of getting your problem fixed.

The most disturbing thing about Paul Martin is that he might just be the prime minister we deserve.

I was walking through the mall, complaining to a coworker about the miserable politics I faced working as a municipal bureaucrat, when we came up behind a pair of kids wearing fast food uniforms who had just gotten off work. One was complaining to the other about the politics of the deep fryer line. It was then that I realized it’s all the same shit, just different scenery.

Never pass up an opportunity to keep your mouth shut.

I wash my sheets every Thursday.
It’s just an optimistic way to go into the weekend.

Some things are best left un-Googled.

Don’t be a perfectionits.

When you order before your date in a restaurant, the waiter secretly throws her a disgusted glance urging her to break up with you.

Religion in many ways is like a good pair of shoes.
It gives support, a little bit of lift in your days, and it separates us from the other animals.
But personally, I prefer to go barefoot.

No matter how pissed off you are, nervous, jerked around, or just plain exasperated over something, responding like an asshole does not help in any way, so you might as well be a nice guy.

You can tap, bang, shake, and caress the bottle all you want; the ketchup will come out when it’s good and ready.

Watching a sports game with your father is equivalent to three hugs and five 'I love yous'.

Always approach the intimidating attractive woman.
If you get turned down, who cares?
You aren’t having any LESS sex with her.

If you’re in a crowded situation that could turn into a riot (the Guns n’ Roses no-show, for example), and women aren’t flashing their breasts, get out of there.
I don’t know if exposed breasts reflect a crowd’s collective feeling or if the presence of breasts assuages a crowd’s temper, but I do know this: No tits is trouble!

The divorce rate is around 50%.
I wonder what it would be if all the couples who wanted to get divorced actually did so.

The best part of the party is where the smokers are.

The trouble with dealing with crazy people is that they’re not crazy all the time.

Some people will dislike you for no reason at all.
Just ignore them or sleep with their girlfriends.

Don’t honk at old people.
It just confuses them further.

People who claim that they’re still trying to find themselves, have.
They just don’t like what they see.

Listen to the quiet, nagging doubts.

Hot girls want you to call them smart. Smart girls want you to call them hot.

Never be in awe of anyone.

Ask your female friends what they hate about men, and then don’t do those things.

All lists are arbitrary.

If you’re not nervous, you’re either a liar or a fool.
But you’re not a professional.

Don’t come telling anybody they’re wrong until you can tell them how they can be right.

Ego is necessary.

Women love porn.
You know those trashy romance novels that your aunt reads?
Pure porn.
The epic drama and petticoats make it okay.

A big part of life is realizing what you’re good at.

The only way to learn about yourself is through other people.

Just because something doesn’t fit into a normal mode doesn’t mean it’s abnormal.

I’m 53.
Soon I’m going to meet somebody around my own age, and she’s going to be smart and beautiful, and I’m going to date her daughter.

I never expected to live this long.

People do what they do to each other and they feed off it.

According to my mother, you can freeze anything.

I’m a lucky bastard.
I know it.

You don’t forgive people for their sake; you forgive them for your sake.

The more you challenge the fundamental ideas of the status quo, the more you have a responsibility to be 100% accurate.

Home is the place where you feel happy.

As long as there’s cake, there’s hope. And there’s always cake.

Every so often a day comes along that seems to be a breeze.
It just seems to come.
Who knows what forces are inside you at that moment?

You can smell a slimeball.

A world where medical advances allow us to live forever is a terrifying thought. Imagine the crowds.

I don’t think it’s meant for man to know everything at once.

When women have an orgasm, their breasts release a chemical that makes men fall asleep.
It’s true.

The harm that other people have done to me is nothing compared with what I did to myself and do to myself daily.

How Well Did Nikki (Psychic To The Stars) Do This Year?

2005-12-31T23:58:00.000-08:00

(Predictions For 2005 Posted December 7th, 2004)

Summary

There are still terrorists’ attacks to come but the second half of 2005 into 2006 but the economy my will pick up and a lot of world leaders will pass and a lot of famous people will be kidnapped.

World Predictions

A vicious slaying will hit Hollywood as hard as the Manson murders.

A Hollywood landmark will burn down.

A runaway cable car in San Francisco will kill hundreds.

A plane will crash into the Egyptian pyramids.

A tragedy surrounding the Royal family of Monaco.

A woman throws herself over Niagara Falls in a barrel and lives to tell about it.

A man will go across Niagara Falls on a tightrope.

Bill Gates of Microsoft will be kidnapped

A cure for Diabetes.

Madonna has to watch for kidnappers around her children.

A woman will follow in the footsteps of Amelia Erheart and fly around the world taking the same route she took but will live to tell about it.

A large explosion in Nigeria.

An explosion at the Eiffel Tower in Paris, France.

An explosion at the CN Tower in Toronto.

A civil war in Iran.

The United States will invade Syria and Iran.

An explosion at CNN in New York and Atlanta.

A drowning of a major Hollywood movie star.

Martha Stewart a reality show and best selling book.

An uprising in India.

A species like Bigfoot half human half animal will be capture alive in Washington State.

Terrible mudslides in California.

Devastating earthquake in California.

An avalanche in Switzerland.

An avalanche in British Columbia.

A devastating earthquake in Mexico City.

A volcano erupting in South America.

An earthquake Toronto, Canada.

Trouble around the CN Tower in Toronto, Canada.

Devastating earthquake in Rome, Italy killing thousands.

A sports stadium roof will collapse and kill thousands.

A world renowned race card drive (Formula One) will perish in a fiery crash.

Economy will pick up the second half of 2005 into 2006 people will be buying everything from toasters to yachts.

A child in Texas or Nebraska will fall down a well and be rescued.

A Hurricane in Sept 2005 will veer north causing havoc around a Canadian and American city.

Another tiger attack will occur around an aging movie star similar to Roy of Siegfried n’ Roy.

Hillary Rodham Clinton will experience health problems that inspire others she will give her time to the disease.

More world terrorist attacks particularly in US west and east coast.

Pope has to watch health.

Live dinosaur found.

Assassination attempt on President Bush

Biological attack on the US.

A suicide bombing in North American

Subway disaster in New York city.

Psychic Star Predictions

Cher posing nude for playboy. Cher is far from retiring.

Susan Sarandon posing nude for playboy, but husband and family may be annoyed.

A new trend of older women posing nude.

A pregnancy around Brittany Spears.

A misunderstanding and fight between Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie.

Simon Cowell marriage.

A pregnancy for Jennifer Lopez.

JLo’s sister will try acting.

Tippi Hendren, Melanie Griffith’s mother will have to be careful of a crazed animal probably a tiger.

American Idol winner Fantasia Barino will have a TV sitcom.

Aretha Franklin has health problems.

Tyra Banks will have her own talk show.

Farrah Fawcett will have a reality show.

Nicole Kidman marriage.

Hugh Grant will marry.

Kate Hudson divorce.

Ryan O’Neil has health problems.

Sylvester Stallone will make a comeback with a reality show that will make him hot again, also a remake of Rocky.

Martha Stewart a reality show.

Ben Affleck running for office.

Tom Cruise more directing.

A hospital stay for Elton John.

Jamie Lee Curtis, best selling author.

Ellen DeGeneres opening up a series of comedy clubs.

Michael Douglas, health worries.

Jennifer Lopez playing Carmen Miranda.

A remake of the African Queen.

Merv Griffin has to watch his health.

Monica Lewinsky doing stand up comedy.

Mark Burnett creator of Survivor moving into the mainstream producing big budget films becoming the king of Hollywood.

Nicole Kidman will move to France.

Diane Lane and Angelina Jolie team up for a huge blockbuster movie.

Catherine Zeta-Jones will dye her hair blonde for a role.

Brittany Spears and Madonna recording a hit record together.

Johnny Depp playing Houdini, the magician in a film.

Cher talk show.

Cher having her own magazine as Oprah has

Arnold Schwarzenegger be careful of skiing/

A big screen version of “I Dream of Genie”

Woody Allen has health problems.

Ryan Seacrest, host of American Idol having his own show.

Kevin Spacey will put a Las Vegas act together that will be a hit.

Golden Globe nomination for “Beyond the Sea”

Oscar nomination for Jamie Foxx for Ray Charles bio.

Jamie Foxx will become the new Eddie Murphy and Denzel Washington combined. He'll be a big star in Hollywood.

George Clooney will produce a big screen version of White Christmas in which in Aunt Rosemary Clooney starred.

A tragedy around Barbara Streisand.

Jackie Chan will have a new TV series but he as to be careful of injury while on a film shoot.

Pamela Anderson be careful of fast cars.

John Travolta will produce a remake of Saturday Night Fever bringing Disco back into the mainstream.

Christian Bale will become a big star

A big Hollywood star has to be careful of water, I see a drowning.

A remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s’ The Birds.

A remake of Hitchcock’s Vertigo.

Remake of South Pacific.

Antonio Banderas has to be careful of water.

Richard Branson will co-produce a movies of the Hindenburg

Michael J. Fox ahs to watch his health.

Dr. Laura Slessinger has to watch her health.

Doris Day health problems.

Tiger Woods has to be careful of planes.

Tony Curtis has to be careful of planes.

Joey Bishop the surviving Rat Packer has to watch his health.

Michael Moore will make more commercial films but has to watch his health.

Martin Scorsese has to watch his health.

Jodie Foster will make a comeback as a film director.

Penny Marshall has to watch health.

Jude Law will play Jesse James with Orland Bloom as Frank James.

Kim Cattrall moving to England

Peter O’Toole has health problems.

Nicole Kidman will have a fashion label.

George Clooney will buy a casino.

David Letterman has to watch his health.

Nancy Sinatra has a Las Vegas act showing film of her deceased father.

Donald Trump will marry but will be hit with a paternity suit.

Danger around Robert Downy Jr.

Catherine Deneuve and Brigitte Bardot will be arrested at a rally.

Brigitte Bardot has to watch health.

Larry King has to watch health

Ellen DeGeneres has a new lover.

Antonio Banderas has to be careful of paying polo.

Johnny Depp will buy a castle.

Naomi Judd will be a guest on American Idol

Remake of the TV Series Chips.

Courtney Love has to be careful of another overdose.

Movie version of the The Towering Inferno.

Joan Rivers talk show with her daughter

Madonna has to watch kidnappers around her children

John Kerry’s daughter Alexandra will become a big movie maker.

Elizabeth Hurley will marry.

Ivana Trump replacing Joan Rivers and daughter Melissa on the red carpet Oscars and Grammy’s, and also recording music star.

A fire at Michael Jackson’s Never land Ranch.

Claudia Schiffer following in the footsteps of Tyra Banks, having a show about models

Cindy Crawford will open a chain of health food restaurants.

Vanna White will quit Wheel of Fortune.

Brad Pitt will become a father

Sarah Jessica Parker I see her on the big screen and also another sitcom and possibly Broadway.

Ashlee Simpson will become a big star

Demi Moore getting married but wont’ last.

Keiffer Sutherland teaming up with father for film. I see Kieffer on Broadway.

Mike Meyers will buy a film studio.

Al Pacino will have an affair with an aging actress.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has to be careful of crazed gunmen.

Faith Hill and Tim McGraw divorcing

There will be a remake of The Dating Game.

Pierce Brosnan being nominated for an Oscar within 24 months.

Oscar nomination for Michael Moore.

Sofia Coppola marriage and will do a Remake of The Godfather.

Paul Newman has health problems.

Donald Trump has to be careful of planes.

Gwen Stefani will become a big movie star

Leonardo D’caprio will be nominated for a Golden Globe. He will also be a good Samaritan and make world headlines.

Paris Hilton will dye her hair dark..

Movies

Around animals the new trend likes Rin Tintin, Lassie and the Shaggy Dog.

More animated movies using real people (actors also animated voices).

Arizona will be the new Hollywood after terrorists attack Hollywood.

There will be more Westerns.

Michelle Pfeiffer has a new man in her life.

Penelope Cruz and Jennifer Lopez will play in an ethnic film about 2 sisters.

Nicolas Cage will win an award for directing within 36 months.

Remake of Splash produced by Stephen Spielberg and Tom Hanks.

Reese Witherspooon will be a smash hit as June Carter Cash in a film and may cut a country album.

Reba McIntire will be the new Martha Stewart. I see a clothing line, furniture line, etc…very successful.

Remake of Superman.

A Hollywood beauty and comedian will suddenly exchange vows.

Fashion Trends

The color blue

Lots of feathers

Bright colors

Jungle prints

Western attire

Futuristic accessories

Ethnic jewelry

Extreme Colored hair

Wedge shoes will be back

Hawaii shirts for men

Outrageous hats for men and women

Flowing dresses for women

Weather Patterns

Snowy Conditions – more than normal amounts of snow

Upside down weather due to global warming

Lots of volcanoes

Lots of tornadoes

At least two volcanoes erupting, one in South America

Mt. Etna in Italy erupting

More devastating hurricanes in September.

Star Deaths

Ed Asner

Don Rickles

Ruben Studdard

James Garner

Doris Day

Sadam Hussein

Luciano Pavarotti

Paul Tracey

Shelley Winters

Arnold Swarzenegger

Johnny Carson

Vice-President Cheney

Zsa Zsa Gabor

Jerry Lewis

Brigitte Bardot

Kirk Douglas

Pope

Peter O’Toole

Gerald Ford

Richard Simmons

Roger Smith

Ryan O’Neil

Pamela Anderson Lee

Sandra Dee

Johnny Carson

Fidel Castro

Elizabeth Taylor

Mick Jagger

Michael Jackson

Anna Nicole Smith

Nelson Mandela

Former President Ford

Joey Bishop

Ted Kennedy

Nancy Reagan

Merv Griffin

Shirley Temple

Aretha Franklin

Tammy Faye Baker

Sports Predictions

Paul Tracey a fiery crash ending career.

A new Tiger Woods will merge.

David Blaine will walk across Niagara Falls on a tightrope.

An American star will buy a baseball team.

Holiday Greetings When Lawyers Are Around

2005-12-31T06:36:00.000-08:00

My lawyer has asked me to point out that no Warranty of a "Best" Holiday Season or New Year is Made or Implied, and in No Case shall the Sender of this Greeting Card be Liable in Any Way for your Failure to Have said "Best" time, nor even a particularly "Good" one.

Further, the Receiver Releases and Holds Harmless the Sender for any Paper Cuts or any Other Injury, Real or Imagined, that the Receiver may incur as a result of Any Act relating to this Card, Including (but not Limited to) its Creation, Delivery, Reception, Handling, Reading, Display or Disposal.

Further, the Sender disclaims that the Card, or its Cover Illustration, represents a Preference for Race, Age, Cultural Identity, Sexual Identity, Gender, or Religion, or Lack Thereof, and Further the Sender Positively Affirms any Preference the Receiver may Have (or Lack) for any of these Items or for any other Identity or Desire.

In Addition, it should be Noted that any Local Taxes, Registration Fees, or any other Cost shall be Borne by the Receiver.

Your Mileage may Vary.

Not Transferable.

May not be Used for any Illegal Purpose.

Void where Prohibited or in the Case of Intentional Misuse, Abuse, Accident, Neglect, Mishandling, Improperly Maintained Equipment, Inclement Weather, or Wear and Tear.

Try to Have a ...uh... Happy Holiday Anyway

The Tight Skirt

2005-12-31T06:35:00.000-08:00

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

How Old Am I?

2005-12-30T06:46:00.000-08:00

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spent $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the countergirl the very same question.

The girl replies, "I guess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself.

She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast.

He gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

Ways To Really Annoy People

2005-12-30T06:40:00.000-08:00

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip..."

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

Speak only in a "robot" voice.

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announcing its your property.

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Name your dog "Dog".

Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".

Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think!"

Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid looking ignorant.

Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.

To really annoy people, stand on a street corner, pointing a hair dryer at passing traffic, and watch it slow down.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Take a sock puppet to dinner with you. When the waiter comes to ask you what you want, consult the sock. When the check comes argue with the sock loud enough so everyone can hear you about who will pay the bill, throw him down and say "Fine you pay!" then leave.

Santa Finally Answers Kids' Letters

2005-12-30T06:28:00.000-08:00

deer santa:

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas.

Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Frend,

BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling.

You're on your way to a career in lawn care.

How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write?

I'm giving your older brother the space ranger.

At least HE can spell!

Santa

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody

Love,

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your mom smoked pot when she was carrying you, didn't she?

Santa

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.

Please see what you can do.

Love,

Teddy

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.

Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly?

It's time to give up that dream.

Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?

Santa

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love,

Francis

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?

I bet you're gay.

Santa

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love,

Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh.

You want to do me a favor?

Two words: Jim Beam.

Santa

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year?

Are you busy making toys?

Your friend,

Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made by little kids like you in China.

Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus.

I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films.

I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.

Santa

P.S. Tell your mom she got the part in Long Dong Claus

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?

Love,

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible?

Good luck in whatever you do.

I'm skipping your house.

Santa

Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year.

Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy

Timmy,

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me.

You're getting an ugly sweater.

Again.

Santa

Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love,

Marky

Mark,

First, stop calling yourself "Marky" -- that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school.

Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, government apartment complex.

Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do: through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,

Santa

Another Girl Gets Dumped

2005-12-29T06:24:00.000-08:00

‘I did NOT make this up!’

"hey you forgot to open one more present." so the girl says no i didnt i dont see one. so he said thats because its in the car hold on. so the boy went out to the car and came in with a little box. so he told her to open the box. when she opened it it was a paper shaped pink heart that said "your last gift is my heart. now listen to what i have to say" the girl looked up at the boy and he said.. "will you be my girlfriend because i have loved you since the day we met i was just not ready to tell you.." so the girl started crying and said yes. then she said " i have loved you since the day we met too".. 2 Years later, her so called ’true love’ was waiting for her boyfriend in his house. He was in the bathroom, and she was waiting for him outside. She started going through his drwares, looking at the pictures of him. Then, she screams. She starts crying. Why, you may ask? Because, she found a picture of him naked. Naked on top of another girl. She opens up the bathroom door, and screams at him! She dumps him, and walks out. As she crosses the street, still with the picture at hand [for some reason], she looks at it more closely. The picture of the girl is of her best friend. She faints, right in the middle of the street. The boy comes out in the middle of the street w/ her, and picks her up. He tells her that he made a huge mistake and that he will always love her. To make her forgive him, he takes her back into his house, where she has the best sex [and only sex at the moment] of her life. Just as she goes into bed, she finds another picture on top of her dresser. There is a picture of him naked on top of her best friend again! To the looks of it, she is fucking him hard. There is a note from him that reads, "That was some nice fucking we did today, but I’m done with you, so fuck off." She faints again.

Mental Institution

2005-12-29T06:21:00.000-08:00

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like hes driving a car.

The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"

Charlie replies, "Driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well, Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago."

"Great," replies the nurse.

The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.

Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?"

Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago."

The Potato Trick

2005-12-29T06:19:00.000-08:00

These two buddies are hanging out at a bar, and the one buddy says to the other buddy, " Hey man, what’s the deal with all this luck you have with women? We both dress about the same, make the same amount of money, and neither one of us is bad looking or anything. What’s your secret?"

The lucky guy says " You know, it’s all about the package."

"The package, what the hell do you mean?", says the unlucky guy.

The lucky guy says, " Every time I go out, I stuff a potato down my pants. The women see that bulging package and they come running!"

" Cool!" says the unlucky guy, "I’ll give that a shot sometime."

About two weeks go by and they’re hanging out at a bar again and the lucky guy asks his buddy, " So, did you try out the potato trick?"

The unlucky guy, obviously upset, retorts back to friend, " Man, I don’t know what the deal is, but when I tried it the women ran away from me. Even worse, they all pointed their fingers and laughed at me all night long! That sucked, I got No action!"

" That’s strange," says the lucky guy. " Everytime I stuff a potato down the front of my pants, the girls all love it."

" Oh, the FRONT of the pants!" says the unlucky guy.

Regina Entrepreneur

2005-12-28T06:34:00.000-08:00