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Location: Coquitlam, B.C., Canada

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Goodbye



The intent of this blog was to allow me an outlet during a rather difficult period of my life.

In fact, it could be best described as:

"coming out of the clouds, both engines ablaze, nose pointed firmly at the ground."

Times have changed, as they always do, and it's time to move on.

I hope that somewhere, somebody got something from my efforts.

It's been fun.

Keep fighting tte assholes.

Selah

Wayno

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Questions You Hope Your Pupils Won't Ask You

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of its bottle?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

You know how most packages say "Open here"? What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

What do you plant to grow a seedless watermelon?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Quotes

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

An archaeologist is a person who's career lies in ruins.

An architect is someone who makes beautiful models, but unaffordable realities.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Mark Twain

A chemical engineer is a man who is doing for a profit what an organic chemist only does for fun.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

Laurence J. Peter

An editor is a person employed on a newspaper whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed.

Elbert Hubbard

A journalist is someone who spend 50% of its time not saying what he knows and 50% of its time talking about things he doesn't know.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief".

Franz Kafka

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.

Charles R. Darwin

A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.

A philosopher is a person who doesn't have a job but at least understands why.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

A psychologist is a man whom you pay a lot of money to ask you questions that your wife asks free of charge.

A schoolteacher a is disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A sociologist is someone who, when a beautiful women enters the room and everybody look at her, looks at everybody.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

The Signal Man

Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways.


He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."

"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.

"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."

"What if that had been struck by lightning?"

"Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well in that case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."

"What if that was vandalised?"

"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"

Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."

Randoms

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he
gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head
out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Monday, January 30, 2006

Graduates

A graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"


A graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

A graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

A graduate with a Law degree asks, "Who gave it permission to work?"

A graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Would you like fries with that?"

The Evolution of a Math Problem

1950:

A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100.

His cost of production is 4/5 of this price.

What is his profit?

1960 (traditional math):

A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100.

His cost of production is 4/5 of this price, or in other words $80.

What is his profit?

1970 (new math):

A lumberjack exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money.

The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1.

Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M.

The set C is a subset of set M, of cardinality 80.

What is the cardinality of the set P of profits, if P is the difference set M\C?

1980 (equal opportunity math):

A lumberjack sells a truckload of wood for $100.

His or her cost of production is $80, and his or her profit is $20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

1990 (outcome based education):

By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a lumberperson makes $20.

What do you think of his way of making a living?

In your group, discuss how the forest birds and squirrels feel, and write an essay about it.

1995 (entrepreneurial math):

By laying off 402 of its lumberjacks, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100.

How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80?

Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

1998 (motivational math):

A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half).

It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers.

It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fallable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act.

Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation.

What is the return on investment of the lobbying?

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Happy New Year

GUNG HAY FAT CHOY!

First Date

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about.

He asks his father for advice.

The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain.

Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.

He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?"

She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list.

He asks, "Do you have a brother?"

Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card.

He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

Alternate Meanings

Once again, the Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.


The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.) olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n) a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) the belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are last year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.

The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

3. Giraffiti (n) Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

4. Sarchasm (n) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

5 . Inoculatte (v) To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

6. Hipatitis (n) Terminal coolness.

7. Osteopornosis (n) A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

8. Karmageddon (n) It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

9.Decafalon (n.) The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

10. Glibido (v) All talk and no action.

11. Dopeler effect (n) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

12. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

13. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

14. Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

15. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

The Drums

A researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis.

Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for researching the mating behaviour of the giant rat of Sumatra.

Around dusk of the first day, he's sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums.

They get louder.

The guide announces, "I don't like the sound of those drums."

The dusk turns to evening.

The drums get louder.

The guide says, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Evening turns to dead of night.

The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close.

The guide says again, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out, "Hey man, he's not our regular drummer!"

The Oldest Profession

A physician, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.

The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The consultant leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"

Friday, January 27, 2006

Only In Canada

Actual Australian Court Docket #12659 (Case Of The Pregnant Lady

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:

When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,'William's Big Stick Did the Trick', and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'...I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

Another Frog

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"

"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn'tbeen proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true... no more blowjobs for her!

She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off.

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.

She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're gone!'

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Hi-Tech Salespeople Dictionary

New: Different color from previous design.

All new: Parts not interchangable with previous design.

Unmatched: Almost as good as the competition.

Designed simplicity: Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone.

Foolproof operation: No provision for adjustments.

Advanced design: The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

Field-tested: Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

High accuracy: Unit on which all parts fit.

Direct sales only: Factory had big argument with distributor.

Years of development: We finally got one that works.

Revolutionary: It's different from our competitiors.

Breakthrough: We finally figured out a way to sell it.

Improved: Didn't work the first time.

Futuristic: No other reason why it looks the way it does.

Distinctive: A different shape and color than the others.

Re-designed: Previous faults corrected, we hope.

Hand-crafted: Assembly machines operated without gloves on.

Performance proven: Will operate through the warranty period.

Meets all standards: Ours, not yours.

Broadcast quality: Gives a picture and produces noise.

High reliability: We made it work long enough to ship it.

SMPTE bus compatible: When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound.

New generation: Old design failed, maybe this one will work.

MIL-SPEC components: We got a good deal at a government auction.

Customer service across the country: You can return it from most airports.

Unprecedented performance: Nothing we ever had before worked this way.

Built to precision tolerances: We finally got it to fit together.

Microprocessor controlled: Does things we can't explain.

Latest aerospace technology: One of our techs was laid off by Boeing.

Irish Prostitute

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her.

"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff dad I became a prostitute."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club (takes a breath) and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

One For The Ladies

One day my housework challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb.


A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."


"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.


He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.


Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumour.


A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.

On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh!

Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.

Whoosh.

Immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!


A PRAYER.

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN


Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

A Little Math

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?


What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

then:

H A R D W O R K =

8 + 1 + 18 + 4 + 23 + 15 + 18 + 11 = 98%

and

K N O W L E-D-G-E =

11 + 14 + 15 + 23 + 12 + 4 + 7 + 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E =

1 + 20 + 20 + 9 + 20 + 21 + 4 + 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T =

2 + 21 + 12 + 12 + 19 + 8 + 9 + 20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A S S K I S S I N G =

1 + 19 + 19 + 11 + 9 + 19 + 19 + 9 + 14 + 7 = 127%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and ass kissing that will put you over the top!

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Navy Psychiatrist

The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential sailor.

To check on the young man's response to trouble, the psychiatrist asked, "What would you do if you looked out of that window right now and saw a battleship coming down the street?"

The baby sailor said, "I'd grab a torpedo and sink it."

"Where would you get the torpedo?"

"The same place you got your battleship!"

Employee Evaluations

For everyone who has ever received or given an evaluation, just remember, it could have been worse.

These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

13. "He's been working with glue too much."

14. "He would argue with a signpost."

15. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

16. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

17. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

18. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

19. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

20. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

21. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

22. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

23. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

24. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

25. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

26. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

27. "One neuron short of a synapse."

28. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

29. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

30. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Experience

Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Experience is knowledge acquired when it's too late.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.


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